14 years ago today

14 years ago my life changed in ways that I really had no idea how deep and long lasting it would be. When your mom passes when you are still young I think it effects you in ways it may take years for you to really understand. At the age of 21 I lost the two most important women in my life in 15 days. My grandmother died and 15 days later my mom passed, looking back I have no idea how I even made it through that time. Every year on this day I hope that it will get easier, or the hole that was left will heal. People always say time heals all wounds well that is a giant load of horse crap, some wounds never heal you just learn how to function with them. Over time its does seem to get easier but there are moments that She never got to experience that seem so unfair. When I graduated from elementary school  mom said you have at least three more, Middle school it was two more, High school it was one more, when that final one came she was not there to celebrate the achievement or push make me go father (which I did). She will never see me get married, buy my first house all of those moments you want to celebrate with your kids. Is it fair not at all, but life never promises fair.

14 year out I have learned a lot, screwed up a lot, cried a lot, there has just been a lot over time. Some moments of joy come in ways you almost miss with out realizing whats has happened. I remember at the funeral home people trying to say the right thing like shes in a better place or she is finally healed……..All which is true not what anyone wants to hear in the height of grief. A word of advice sometime not saying anything at all can say everything you wish you had words to say, also death sucks no way around it call a spade a spade and dont try to make it something better then it is. It meant more my close friends saying “this sucks I’m sorry” then all the nice things people tried to say. Also sympathy cards suck, be real about it all.

There are questions that will never be answered, things that will never be said, simple touches that will not will never be felt, but in the end all we can do is keep living move forward with confidence that things work out the best in the end and Love hard, Live Large, and be authentic.


Can Love be Conditional?

Recently I have spent a great deal of time trying to figure out this question. Also the idea that you you have to love family, this one gets way more complicated I think. Growing  up we are told that our family loves us for most part I know that’s not always true for everyone. But what does that really mean? Does it have limits? Can we loose that love? If we can loose it did we ever really have it? So many questions that just lead into more questions. I have a family member that  always has a way ranking of who has not disappointed her the most,  so people have been push down so far they have no chance of ever getting back into her good graces.

According to Merriam Webster Love is:

  1. 1a (1) :  strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) :  attraction based on sexual desire :  affection and tenderness felt by lovers<After all these years, they are still very much in love.> (3) :  affection based on admiration,benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>b :  an assurance of affection <give her my love>

  2. 2:  warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>

  3. 3a :  the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration <baseball was his first love>b (1) :  a beloved person :  darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address

  4. 4a :  unselfish loyal and benevolent (see benevolent 1a) concern for the good of another: such as (1) :  the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) :  brotherly concern for othersb :  a person’s adoration of God

In definition love say its a a unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for good. Sometimes in life I think we expect somethings that we don’t get, but when do we just deal with and when do you have to take a stand against it. Love is hard they say, but when do we have to move past what society thinks or even what we have been trained to think. Family is a complicated group and most of time worth the effort but when do you have to draw a line and cut the blood vessel.

Love can be unconditional but is it normally????