14 years ago today

14 years ago my life changed in ways that I really had no idea how deep and long lasting it would be. When your mom passes when you are still young I think it effects you in ways it may take years for you to really understand. At the age of 21 I lost the two most important women in my life in 15 days. My grandmother died and 15 days later my mom passed, looking back I have no idea how I even made it through that time. Every year on this day I hope that it will get easier, or the hole that was left will heal. People always say time heals all wounds well that is a giant load of horse crap, some wounds never heal you just learn how to function with them. Over time its does seem to get easier but there are moments that She never got to experience that seem so unfair. When I graduated from elementary school  mom said you have at least three more, Middle school it was two more, High school it was one more, when that final one came she was not there to celebrate the achievement or push make me go father (which I did). She will never see me get married, buy my first house all of those moments you want to celebrate with your kids. Is it fair not at all, but life never promises fair.

14 year out I have learned a lot, screwed up a lot, cried a lot, there has just been a lot over time. Some moments of joy come in ways you almost miss with out realizing whats has happened. I remember at the funeral home people trying to say the right thing like shes in a better place or she is finally healed……..All which is true not what anyone wants to hear in the height of grief. A word of advice sometime not saying anything at all can say everything you wish you had words to say, also death sucks no way around it call a spade a spade and dont try to make it something better then it is. It meant more my close friends saying “this sucks I’m sorry” then all the nice things people tried to say. Also sympathy cards suck, be real about it all.

There are questions that will never be answered, things that will never be said, simple touches that will not will never be felt, but in the end all we can do is keep living move forward with confidence that things work out the best in the end and Love hard, Live Large, and be authentic.


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